I have to give props to my friend and co-worker Jerry Wise for today’s topic. It has been something that was a profound insight for me in seeing things in myself and others; not only helping me accept people for where they are in their journeys (including myself), but also in finding the way on the road map to healing. (I hope my explanation does it justice, and if it doesn’t, please let me know! I welcome your comments.) He said such a simple phrase, but it just blew my mind. Ready?…here it comes….”Drop your pen.”
Confused? Stay with me, you’re totally going to love this because it gives such an easy to understand, vivid picture of something that can be really kinda hard to understand sometimes. I attended a seminar on codependency given by Jerry, and let me tell you, when it comes to therapy…particularly family systems theory…Jerry lives up to his name! He is amazing. So he was talking to those of us at the seminar about how he regularly has folks come to therapy and ask all kinds of “how” questions.
- “How do I change?”
- “How come I can’t talk to my mother like I can talk to you?”
- “How do we move on after an affair?”
- “How do I overcome my addiction?”
Does that not seem completely logical and understandable? After all, we come to therapy for answers. We want to know how to change the places where we feel stuck and how to get out of situations that are painful. Many times, we want to know how to change things not only in ourselves, but others too. So I listened to Jerry tell a story about dropping his pen.
He stood in front of us and held out a plain old ball-point pen. He asked the group, “How do I drop this pen?” He waited for someone to work up the nerve to risk sounding stupid and say “Well, man, you just let go!” He said, “Precisely.” and proceeded to let go and drop his pen onto the floor. We all kinda looked at each other a bit confused, and wondered what the heck this had anything to do with anything at all! Jerry proceeded to explain that the pen represented all of our “how question” issues. After that, each time one of us would ask a how question, he would hold up his pen and say, “How?”
He pointed out so poignantly that really, deep down, we all pretty much know how to do the things that our how questions ask. How do I talk to my mother the way I talk to my therapist? I just do it, non-reactively and succinctly. How do I deal with my addictions? I find a support group and attend. How do I heal and move on after an affair? I choose to. Now, please don’t misunderstand me here…I’m not suggesting that this is by any means easy. It is SO NOT EASY! Understanding where a lifetime of behaviors and beliefs came from, and undoing the destructive ones to relearn and replace them with new, healthy ones takes not only a great deal of time and effort and is very painful, but it also takes a talented guide to illuminate the way and a heart that’s ready. The whole point of this exercise, and therapy in general, is not learning the “how” so I can just follow a to-do list and then I’ll be all better and my life will be perfect. Nope, sorry. I hate to break the bad news to you. What therapy is all about is the “when.”
Just like dropping the pen, we don’t really need to know how to do it. Sure, there are tools and exercises that can make us feel better…like we’re learning the “how to”; but until we’ve slogged through a whole lot of underlying stuff first, these kinds of tools are mainly just things to do to pass the time and make us feel like we’re doing something; or worse, little band-aids that prolong the pain and infection of deep-seated, serious wounds. Underneath, we all pretty much really know what we have to do and how to change, we only have to be prepared to do it, and be ready, willing, and able to deal with the consequences of doing it.
This is HUGE, and this is why good, quality, lasting therapy takes time. We spend our entire lives learning the way the world works, and then we figure out that it’s not so much working for us. But the alternative, change, takes not only time and effort, but a whole lot of courage! We have to be ready for what happens when we are ready to deal with our addictions. We have to learn other ways to cope with the pain we are trying to numb with them. We have to deal with people finding out that we’ve had them, and the shame that goes with it. We have to deal with the fact that Mom may not like us telling her “no” when she demands something within our new boundaries. We have to deal with the problems in our marriage or withdrawl of our unhealthy needs being met when we admit to having an affair. It is not for the faint of heart. Dropping that pen can be the hardest thing we’ve ever done! We need support, guidance, and reinforcement; and most of all I think, we need reassurance that what we’re doing will actually work!
What does your pen look like? WHEN will you be ready to drop it? Preparations can take a long time. Believe me, I know first hand. It took me a long time to be ready and able to drop a few of my pens. Not only that, I’ve dropped one here and there, and picked it right back up, only to have to work on dropping it again! I can honestly tell you that I still have one or two in my pocket, yet! When I’m ready, I will drop those, too. When you find yourself asking deep questions in the form of “how do I…?”, remember dropping the pen. Find yourself a good guide, take a heaping dose of courage, and prepare for the thud. You can’t imagine the freedom of not carrying them around…once you get used to it, your life will be better than ever! Thanks for stopping by.
Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.
©2010, Nancy Eisenman
