I recently finished my second theory class as part of my Masters degree schooling.  One of the theories studied was termed “symbolic interactionism”.  The online Webster’s Dictionary describes it like this:  “a theory that human interaction and communication is facilitated by words, gestures, and other symbols that have acquired conventionalized meanings.”  In other words, we learn what words and ideas mean based on our environment and upbringing.  An important thing to realize, then, is that I may have a different definition for a word or idea, etc., than you have, since our experiences have been different.  It is important to be aware of that when working with clients or interacting with others, so that when we communicate, we are on the same page.

This is not a difficult concept to grasp.  Misunderstandings occur with everyone, pretty much all the time.  I was talking with a male client a few weeks ago about this very thing.  We were discussing the subject of “flirting.”  My definition of flirting is simply a social interaction that makes both people feel good, showing someone that I like them, or that I am enjoying their company and/or being friendly toward them, etc.  Webster’s online describes it as ”acting amorously without serious intentions.”  For my client, flirting is actively trying to pursue someone romantically or sexually.  When I suggested that the lady he was interacting with probably thought of his kindness as “flirting”, he insisted that he was not, that he was only being kind.  I did not question his motivation, we simply had a different definition of the word “flirt.”

We cleared up the misunderstanding quickly.  I realized that his feeling that his intentions were misunderstood made him feel judged, which was totally NOT what I was going for!   I remembered the dialogue process, and concentrated on learning about his “truths.”  It reminded me that it is necessary to be careful in how I communicate and remember that others may hear the same word but have a different definition.   I continually ask the question in my head…”what is it like to be you?”  THAT is connection.  In Imago theory, Harville Hendrix states that “the most important thing is how you experience me experiencing you.”  I need to make sure that I am showing you that, even if we disagree, that you are important, worthwhile, smart, valid…..  Then we will have connection, even if it’s in conflict.

One of my mentors at Family Tree Counseling, Jerry Wise, says it like this…”You can say almost anything at all to anyone, and they will hear it, if you are moving toward them when you say it.”  Moving toward someone looks like this connection, learning what it’s like to be them, seeing them in a positive way, being curious about their world truths.  If you hear the other person and want to know what it’s like to be them, they will be inclined to return the favor!

Something to keep in mind the next time you think your communication with someone is not going very well.  Stop trying to tell them what you think, and listen to what they think.  If they feel like you’ve heard them, they may just be curious about what you think too, and reciprocate.  Then you will be heard too!  That’s connection and true dialogical communication.

Thank you so much for stopping by.  You’ve shown that you want to know what I think by stopping by and reading my blog.  I am more than happy to reciprocate.  Feel free to tell me what you think, too!  Leave me a comment and tell me what your truth is.  You are also welcome to email me at nancy@healingheartsofindy.com .   Hope you’re having a great summer!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2011, Nancy Eisenman