Welcome back for Part 2 of a quick series on affair-related issues.  I thought today we could look at the other side of the coin.  We talked about the person whose spouse strayed, but what about the person who did the straying?  Are they really the devil incarnate as the cheated-upon spouse would (perhaps) like everyone to believe?  What can be said to them…that they are the refuse of the earth and little more, and there is no hope for them or their marriage?  I think not!!  Read on.

If you are like most folks who have been caught having an affair, you probably feel pretty lousy about yourself.  The affair may have been exciting in the beginning, almost like pure intoxication, but now that the secret is out, life is not quite as fun.  If you want to keep your spouse, and he/she is in angry/victim mode, chances are they are letting you have it pretty good.  There are some key things to remember in this situation.

1. One, they will show anger to you, but underneath what is really going on is some very ancient, deep-seated abandonment pain that is being exposed to the light of day after a long time behind some thick psychological walls.  See them as a 5-year-old version of themselves, having just been hurt worse than they ever have been before.  It will make the anger easier to understand and diffuse, and easier to control your own reaction to it and not respond back with anger in return.
2. Two, you are not the horrible person you may feel like, or that your spouse may be telling you that you are.  You have some deep issues as well as they do, like we all do.  That does not make you terrible, it makes you wounded and in need of help.
3. Three, let a therapist, or someone besides you, ”enlighten” your spouse to their issues, at least in the beginning stages.  The abandonment they are feeling is more powerful than you can imagine, and you are the current face of the flare-up.  They need a neutral professional to lay down the insight, and so do you.  Listen a lot and try not to be reactive.  Most importantly, get help right now!

If your honey has abandonment issues going on, what about you?  If you have had an affair, I’d be willing to bet you have a pretty sizable problem with emotional cutoff.  This is a term that describes an avoidance of feeling your worst, deep-seated pain.  Simply stated, you have such deep pain that it is too difficult to feel it, so you cut off from it by keeping yourself busy with things that are fun or numbing (at least at first), thus avoiding dealing with it.  This is how addictions begin.  It’s a coping mechanism of sorts.  Somewhere along the line, the sweetie you chose to be your primary need-meeter began hitting the same buttons that stir your pain, and you cut off from them and found something to keep yourself busy or numb the pain.  Which one of your parents was critical or shaming?  Did one of them yell at you a lot, or worse?  Where is the abuse in your past?

If you’re wondering how a marriage that has had an affair happen can be saved, in my opinion it’s as simple and as difficult as this: both partners absolutely HAVE to be open-hearted and willing to hear the truth of their own individual issues.  If you are both humble and open to learn about yourselves, you’ve got a good shot at saving your marriage.  Both of you have to be willing to face your pains, grieve them, and work on them.  It is not for the feint of heart.  It’s hard work and it takes not only time, but a lot of courage!  It is also going to require at some point, the ability to forgive.  BOTH of you will need to forgive each other.  That’s the bad news, but the good news is really good!

The good news is that you only need enough courage to make it through one day at a time, and it will come as you need it.  The other good news is that by both of you working you will heal yourselves and your marriage over time, and eventually it will grow into something better than you ever could have had without the affair.  It all depends on both partners being willing to open their hearts and minds, and having good, solid help to illuminate the issues at work in the relationship.  If you are trustworthy in the process, bring your humility, and show up hungry to learn and heal, your marriage has a healthy, fighting chance of survival.

Remember, even if your spouse is playing the victim or can’t forgive, you still have issues that need to be dealt with.  There is a reason you strayed.  Get yourself an appointment with a gifted therapist…like me in a couple of years!  My colleagues at Family Tree can help until then, they are really special.  See you again soon!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2010, Nancy Eisenman