The Importance of Self Care

Dec 1, 2013 | addictions, Blog, boundaries, codependency, counterdependency, goals, making changes, self-care, Uncategorized

This is a topic that I’ve written on before, but I think it is a good idea to revisit it from time to time. I know that I, for one, need reminders in this area. Today we are going to discuss self care.
It’s a pretty easy trap to fall into, particularly in today’s culture of Go, Go, GO!!! Many people get sucked into the “Captivity of Activity”, as Beth Moore said in one of her Bible studies. I knew that entering graduate school would mean that I was about to spend a few years being really busy. (That is a bit of an understatement.) It is impossible to balance your life when you are getting a masters with the requirements that mine demands, and I will admit that I don’t always do a good job with self care. I don’t think that I am the only one, though. I think that the expectations of society today pressure us to continually achieve and over-function. ”Activity” can even become an addiction pretty easily.

So today I wanted to discuss some ideas about self care and its importance. Those of us of the more codependent persuasion tend to take care of everyone BUT ourselves. This can lead to unwanted conditions such as burnout and resentment. Those who are more counter-dependent tend to be grandiose about self-care, and either indulge in it too much, letting others over-function for us, or neglect it completely because of our want to be seen as invincible.

Being chronically “stressed out” has an actual physiological effect on your brain structure. For one of my classes, we are reading a book called “Brain rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home and School” by J. Medina (2008). I actually would recommend this book to anyone, because it not only is really informative, it is an easy read. It’s not full of huge words that you’ll have to look up in the dictionary just to follow along (like I do when I’m reading complex research articles…ya.). It explains how our brains work and why, and it’s really interesting. Medina said that “Under chronic stress, adrenaline creates scars in your blood vessels that can cause heart attack or stroke, and cortisol damages the cells of the hippocampus, crippling your ability to learn and remember” (p. 194). So this self care issue is really important.
The first consideration for self care is to not over-extend ourselves. How do we do that? By saying “No”. Repeat after me…”No.” Sometimes that can be a really difficult thing to do, right? Codependents know exactly what I’m talking about. This is about having good boundaries, and a strong knowledge of our limitations. Brene Brown, who is known for her research on shame, authenticity, and vulnerability, shared a really good tip for helping yourself say “no” more easily. She said that what she does is spins a ring on her finger three times before answering a question about whether or not she can do something. ”Can you bring brownies for the bake sale?” Spin, spin, spin…”No”. She gives herself time to think BEFORE she answers, and gives herself permission to say “no” if it will cause her to become burned out, resentful, or otherwise over-extended. We need to have good boundaries and know our limitations. (To be introduced to Brene Brown, click here.)

The second consideration for self care is a self-awareness of what refreshes us. Extroverts, for example, need to be around people to rejuvenate themselves. Introverts need to be alone. Activities that refresh the soul are various and different for different people. Perhaps it’s reading a good book in your favorite chair. Maybe it’s taking a bubble bath in candlelight. Perhaps it’s going to the gym or other exercise. How about a massage or manicure? Google “self care” and get ideas. Try them out. Find what works for you.

I’m off to get in some self care. It’s even more important when you’re really busy, so I will practice what I preach. Happy relaxation!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Black, White, or Gray?

Jul 27, 2011 | abandonment, addictions, Blog, fear, forgiveness, grace, inner voice, shame, Uncategorized

I was visiting after our staff meeting today with one of my collegues, Jenn Lance, and she said something that stuck with me. She said, “I can see other people in shades of gray, but most times I only see myself in black or white.” Hmm. I had to agree that oftentimes I do the exact same thing. I’m either good enough or not, acceptable or not, smart or stupid…etc. You get the drift. I know I’m not the only one…

For me, what this is really about is having a hard time giving myself some grace. I give it to others by the bucket-full, yet abandon myself and the vulnerable little girl that lives inside of me. I can see others’ flaws and accept them for how and where they are on their journey, but I’m not so easy on myself sometimes.

The other day, a client was sitting in our waiting room reading a copy of Esther Perel’s book entitled “Mating In Captivity.” This is a book I read during my own season of couch-work. I listened to it in audiobook form, and it was basically like 8 hours of sex therapy. I began visiting with the client about it, and she asked what I got out of the book. I told her that what really surprised me about this book in particular was how much I learned about myself that had little or nothing to do with sex.

In particular, one part of the book that spoke to me talked about the dimmed, darkened, hazy mirror by which we view our dark side behind us. Sometimes we ignore it completely. It’s not directly in our field of view, but it’s there, affecting us all the same. It’s been a few years since I’ve read the book so I don’t remember exactly how Esther put it, but her point was that many of us deny the existence of our dark side, and in-so-doing, become a slave to it, or live at it’s mercy whenever it rears it’s ugly head.

The black and white thinking I’m talking about is a sort of denial of our dark side. The Bible calls it our “old Adam”, or our sinful nature. We all have our faults, fears, and wounds. Ignoring the existence of this side of you yields not only black and white thinking, and “no grace for Nancy,” but also allows you to be blindsided by it, do something you feel ashamed of or guilty for, and then beat yourself up.

I’m not suggesting that we give in to our dark side, (there is such a thing as right and wrong in my opinion, even though the location of the line is highly debated from person to person), but rather have the courage to look at it, understand it, and work on it as opposed to ignoring it’s existence. The pain and fear that lurks there is the birthplace of things like reactivity, fear, and addiction. Those dark feelings grow and fester in secrecy and anonymity.

Shining the light on this place can be very scary and may seem overwhelming. Taken in small amounts, and when you’re ready, looking at it can lead to healing and giving yourself the grace that we all need to give ourselves sometimes. It also happens to be the first step of the cure for shame. A gifted therapist can help you take a peek if it all seems like too much to face alone or is too hard to see.

There’s my schpeel for today. Thanks for stopping by!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Self-Care Is Imperative

Jul 19, 2010 | addictions, Blog, codependency, self-care

I thought today I would give you a quick update on what’s going on with me, but I promise to make a good therapeutic point, too, since you went to the trouble to stop by!

I am taking my first grad school class. It’s called Immersion. (Seems an accurate description because there are moments when I feel like I’m drowning! Not because it is difficult, but because I have a very busy life outside of school!) It meets every Saturday from 8:45a.m. to 4:15p.m. Yep. That’s a long time to sit and learn every week, although it moves pretty quickly. It lasts 6 weeks and I’m already half done. There are major assignments due every week, so juggling my time has become a bit of a challenge. Being a single mom and working almost full time too, time is a commodity I have to use wisely.

I wanted to use myself as a bit of an example for how busy we can make ourselves and our lives. I’m allowing my life to be a lot crazy for a few years, more than I normally would, for a more lofty ultimate goal. Someday I will be able to make choices about my work schedule that those in more traditional 9-5 jobs cannot make. I like that a lot! A master’s degree is also absolutely mandatory for the kind of work I’d like to do, so I really don’t have much choice about schooling. But I do need to vigilantly remind myself to take time for self-care, so that I don’t burn out or otherwise die! I thought I’d share my favorites with you.

I love to play poker any chance I get. You like that one? It stimulates my mind without the pressures of work or school or home issues. I still have to think, but it’s about something completely different! It’s restful.
I love to get my hair cut. It is one of my most favorite self-care tasks. Sometimes I wish my hair would grow faster! I also get regular massages.
I take between 15 and 30 minutes every morning, right after I wake up, for quiet time. I use the time to pray or do Bible study usually.
I take time to connect with friends every week, usually over a meal, although it doesn’t have to be. I absolutely cherish this time to relax, and maintain or deepen relationships with those I care for.
I make sure I take time each day to talk with both of my kids, usually one on one. I read them bedtime stories and sing to them before they go to sleep.

Those are the most basic self-care things I do. If I get those in at a bare minimum, I’m good. To be completely forth-coming, I’m really not getting a lot of sleep about now, but I just keep going one day at a time, and do my best. I regularly look at my life now, out of necessity, and determine what activities I can cut out so I can maintain my self-care. These few things I will not give up. I know if I don’t make them a priority, everything I do end up accomplishing will be that much harder, and probably that much sloppier, and I will eventually become so overwhelmed that I’ll burn out.

I was thinking about this very thing while watching a video in school this week. One of the interviewees for this video was talking about how if he didn’t learn how to balance and say no to certain things in his work that eventually he would not only lose his job, but he would also lose funding for the programs he was running and then where would everyone be who depended on those programs? It is the same with individuals. If you give out more than you replenish with self-care, what good will you be then? It’s seemingly a paradox, or counter-intuitive thinking….taking time for yourself is, after all, not using that time to care of others, right? But it really is. Think of it this way: “I have to take care of myself so I have the strength to help others.”

Think about your life and what really recharges your batteries the most. If you can’t think of anything that you do regularly for you, sit down right now and make a list of things! Then pull out your calendar and write them in. If someone asks you to do something that interferes with those things, you need to say no!

I’ll also throw this out there as food for thought: If your life is too cluttered with tasks, ask yourself not only what can go, but why you have allowed it to become that way. Are you keeping yourself over-busy so you don’t have to think about life’s problems as much? Do you have an “activity addiction”? An addiction is simply letting something get out of control, using it as an anesthetic to numb pain, to the degree that it causes harm to another area in your life. Perhaps it is some codependency and you need some better boundaries. Look at it objectively and see what you think.

That’s it for today. Go get yourself some self-care and we’ll see you again next time. I’ll do the same. Thanks for stopping by!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Dealing With An Affair, Part 2

Jul 2, 2010 | abandonment, addictions, affairs, Blog

Welcome back for Part 2 of a quick series on affair-related issues. I thought today we could look at the other side of the coin. We talked about the person whose spouse strayed, but what about the person who did the straying? Are they really the devil incarnate as the cheated-upon spouse would (perhaps) like everyone to believe? What can be said to them…that they are the refuse of the earth and little more, and there is no hope for them or their marriage? I think not!! Read on.

If you are like most folks who have been caught having an affair, you probably feel pretty lousy about yourself. The affair may have been exciting in the beginning, almost like pure intoxication, but now that the secret is out, life is not quite as fun. If you want to keep your spouse, and he/she is in angry/victim mode, chances are they are letting you have it pretty good. There are some key things to remember in this situation.

One, they will show anger to you, but underneath what is really going on is some very ancient, deep-seated abandonment pain that is being exposed to the light of day after a long time behind some thick psychological walls. See them as a 5-year-old version of themselves, having just been hurt worse than they ever have been before. It will make the anger easier to understand and diffuse, and easier to control your own reaction to it and not respond back with anger in return.
Two, you are not the horrible person you may feel like, or that your spouse may be telling you that you are. You have some deep issues as well as they do, like we all do. That does not make you terrible, it makes you wounded and in need of help.
Three, let a therapist, or someone besides you, ”enlighten” your spouse to their issues, at least in the beginning stages. The abandonment they are feeling is more powerful than you can imagine, and you are the current face of the flare-up. They need a neutral professional to lay down the insight, and so do you. Listen a lot and try not to be reactive. Most importantly, get help right now!

If your honey has abandonment issues going on, what about you? If you have had an affair, I’d be willing to bet you have a pretty sizable problem with emotional cutoff. This is a term that describes an avoidance of feeling your worst, deep-seated pain. Simply stated, you have such deep pain that it is too difficult to feel it, so you cut off from it by keeping yourself busy with things that are fun or numbing (at least at first), thus avoiding dealing with it. This is how addictions begin. It’s a coping mechanism of sorts. Somewhere along the line, the sweetie you chose to be your primary need-meeter began hitting the same buttons that stir your pain, and you cut off from them and found something to keep yourself busy or numb the pain. Which one of your parents was critical or shaming? Did one of them yell at you a lot, or worse? Where is the abuse in your past?

If you’re wondering how a marriage that has had an affair happen can be saved, in my opinion it’s as simple and as difficult as this: both partners absolutely HAVE to be open-hearted and willing to hear the truth of their own individual issues. If you are both humble and open to learn about yourselves, you’ve got a good shot at saving your marriage. Both of you have to be willing to face your pains, grieve them, and work on them. It is not for the feint of heart. It’s hard work and it takes not only time, but a lot of courage! It is also going to require at some point, the ability to forgive. BOTH of you will need to forgive each other. That’s the bad news, but the good news is really good!

The good news is that you only need enough courage to make it through one day at a time, and it will come as you need it. The other good news is that by both of you working you will heal yourselves and your marriage over time, and eventually it will grow into something better than you ever could have had without the affair. It all depends on both partners being willing to open their hearts and minds, and having good, solid help to illuminate the issues at work in the relationship. If you are trustworthy in the process, bring your humility, and show up hungry to learn and heal, your marriage has a healthy, fighting chance of survival.

Remember, even if your spouse is playing the victim or can’t forgive, you still have issues that need to be dealt with. There is a reason you strayed. Get yourself an appointment with a gifted therapist…like me in a couple of years! My colleagues at Family Tree can help until then, they are really special. See you again soon!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Don’t Tackle Addictions Alone

Apr 27, 2010 | addictions, Blog

I recently met a woman with a couple of very powerful addictions, we’ll call her Denise (not her real name). Denise was quite guarded with me at first, but she confided in me that she has had 2 addictions in particular for almost her entire life. She is a grandmother, so has been struggling with them for a very long time. She told me that she had been in and out of rehab at least 10 times to try to overcome them, but each time went back to her old ways. She said to me point blank, “Rehab just doesn’t work for me.”

We develop addictions basically as a coping mechanism. We all have pain in our childhoods growing up; even those that had great families have pain and issues. ALL of us. Some of us choose to numb our pain with addictions. That’s really what they are…a shot of novocaine for the pain in our hearts. A way to suppress, cope with, and escape from pain. People can be addicted to substances such as alcohol, drugs, or food; or behaviors, such as rescuing, sex, work, or gambling.

Sometimes even more than the physically addictive properties of some substances and behaviors, the pain of what will be felt without the “novocaine” is what holds the real power. Having to cope with emotional pain is not easy at all. It takes a tremendous amount of courage! Being vulnerable and going back to consciously “re-feel” all of our wounds is very painful. It is necessary for healing, but it is extremely difficult to face.

Denise told me that each time she had tried rehab or to quit her addictions, she had failed. She told me that she would like to quit very much, and that she wanted to try to do so again. I asked her, “Who do you have for support to help you through it, this time?” She replied that she would again be trying to do it alone. Let me just say straight up…it is nearly 100% impossible to stop an addiction completely alone, and based on sheer willpower. The physical AND emotional pull back to our addictive ways is WAY too powerful to do alone. And the truth of it is, we are not really meant to either. We are all here to help shoulder each other’s burdens.

The really great news is, not only are there many wonderful people out there willing to help, but they also know exactly how it feels to struggle with addictions because they were once there themselves. They will not ever judge because they understand. They have tons of compassion because they know how hard addictions are to overcome. They will also hold folks accountable and make it easier to stay away from their particular brand of novacaine. Groups for most any addiction are available to join at no charge, and they are easy to find through the use of the internet, a pastor, a social worker, etc. Reach out to anyone at all and ask for help. If they can’t help personally, they can help find someone who can. The first step really is admitting you have a problem.

The last time I talked to Denise she had reached out by writing a letter to the pastor of a nearby church, and in it had asked for help in overcoming her addictions. She said that this time, she would not try to do it alone. I have such great hope for her success in overcoming her addictions this time around. She is motivated, and she has asked for help from some wonderful, compassionate people. Give me a call or send me an email, and we will get you or someone you know on a path to lifelong, lasting changes.

Thanks for stopping by. See you again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com