So, we left off on the cusp of a couple of pretty big questions and their answers. No more waiting…let’s get right down to business.
To recap, our girl Kim has some intimacy issues. She has an allergy to intimacy with someone in her family of origin (more than likely a primary caregiver or sibling), and she therefore has an allergy to intimacy within herself as well. We learn to talk to and treat ourselves the way we were treated growing up. Think about the voice that is your thoughts inside your own head. Does it sound like your mother or father? What about how you treat your own pain-filled heart? Do you ignore it with a thought that says “I don’t have time to deal with that” or “if I ignore it, it will go away.” Perhaps you silence it with addictions or cutting off some other way. Whatever the case, we learn what we’ve lived, and that’s how we treat ourselves. It is our normal.
I also wanted to point out here that everyone, absolutely everyone, has some level of intimacy allergy. They are our psychological walls that we create for protection. Issues of some kind are inevitable in everyone. It’s the nature of growing up in a sinful world. As we grow and mature emotionally, however, we are actually able to tolerate more and more true intimacy. (I’m talking about emotional intimacy, of which physical intimacy is only a part.) Our walls become more permeable, or come down altogether when we don’t need them anymore.
So, back to Kim. She wants to pick Mr. Right this time, and not another Mr. Wrong, right? When Kim goes out in her state of loneliness, with unaddressed issues since her last relationship ended, and tries to find someone with whom she can curb her lonely feelings, she will be attracted to someone who is not able to *in a long-term manner* meet her needs! (He will be able to do so short-term because of enmeshment). She has an unbalance in herself so she will (sort of subconsciously) only be attracted to someone who fits her issues of inner-unbalance. If you think about it like a teeter-totter…to the degree that Kim is unbalanced in herself on any given issue, she will only be attracted to someone who fits her level of unbalance, in whatever areas or issues she is askew.
Sounds a little crazy, doesn’t it? We aren’t attracted to those who can meet our needs, we are attracted to those who, underneath, inherently can’t meet them. Believe it, it’s the absolute truth. It stinks, but it is nature’s way of healing itself, and making sure we work on our issues. We will only be attracted to those who “fit” our issues, and our unbalances. So if Kim has an allergy to intimacy within herself, who will she attract, and who will she be attracted to? She will attract someone who “loves” the way she’s used to, and how she loves herself…someone who is not good at intimacy. That’s what love is to her.
It’s the law of attraction; you can’t fight it, and you can’t trick it. You will simply not feel any attraction for someone who does not match you in emotional balance. You won’t feel “a spark” for them. No chemistry. You’re attracted to who you’re attracted to, and if you’re attracted to them, that person WILL fit your issues! Change your issues, or balance the teeter-totter, so to speak, into a more level position inside yourself, and you’ll change who you’re attracted to.
So Kim, if she hasn’t dealt with or changed her balance of issues since her last relationship, is innately attracted to someone who treats her “normally.” HER normal. Her abandonment-filled, non-intimate, harsh, uncaring or unfeeling “normal”…how she is inside her own skin and matching her own unbalance. The normal of how she was treated by her caregivers growing up. It’s absolutely amazing how the brain works to pick people out who have their “teeter-totters” in like positions that complement our own, and picks them out to be attracted to and love. Works every time. Have you ever noticed that folks who break up or get divorced, if they don’t learn from it, end up marrying the exact same kind of person with a different face? That’s why! They haven’t changed themselves so they will be attracted to the same issues all over again.
This is the paradox that will help your intimacy allergy (among other issues) the most…the more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more you can differentiate yourself from others and develop a humble acceptance of who you are at a core level, the less of an intimacy allergy you’ll have. Seems backwards, right? It works every time though. It’s a balance…balancing distance and closeness with others. Get closer to your true self, and you’ll be able to get closer to others.
Now let’s look at the difference if Kim DOES address her issues before she looks for another relationship. What if Kim started to care about herself and make her own needs a priority? What if she stopped abandoning herself? What if she accepted herself, faults and all? What if she worked to grieve and accept her pains from her past, instead of ignoring them? What if her thoughts about herself became affirming instead of shaming? Do you think she would be attracted to or tolerate someone treating her in a way that she has worked so hard to overcome in herself?
If Kim begins to honor her own needs regularly, getting whole meals of attention from others and herself, will she continually accept crumbs of attention and a lack of intimacy from her would-be significant other? I doubt it. Not only that, changes in her subconscious (sort of) will automatically shift her attraction. An abandoner or someone who’s not very good at intimacy won’t “fit” her anymore. She’ll also have her eyes way more open to her new man’s issues. By looking inward for balance and healing her own wounds inside, she ensures that she will not pick another Mr. Wrong. She needs to remember that he will still be Mr. Imperfect, that’s just realistic because we’re all imperfect. If she’s more balanced, though, she will choose someone more balanced to love and to love her, and not Mr. Wrong all over again.
So the point of all this is: if you want to make sure you don’t pick Mr. Wrong the next time, figure out yourself and heal your own issues! Find your balance. It’s not about finding a guy who isn’t “screwed up.” If you’re unbalanced, you won’t fall for a balanced guy anyway, and he won’t fall for you. It’s all about “unscrewing up” yourself so you’ll be attracted to a more balanced Mr. Right! If he matches you, he’ll be attracted to you, too.
That’s long enough for today. I have a part three to this series brewing…what happens if I’m already married to the person who is unable to meet my needs, but I grow and get more balanced and he/she doesn’t? Now I’m more balanced and they’re not, and the attraction is fading. What then?
Tune in again next week for part 3 of this mind-bending puzzle!
Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.
©2010, Nancy Eisenman
