I’m glad you stopped by The Waiting Room today because we are going to chat about a topic that can give you some amazing freedom to relax during conflict!  Fix a cup of your favorite warm beverage and join me for a few quiet moments during a busy day.

If you have read many of my posts, you will find that I am a student of the concept of differentiation.  Differentiation can be described as an ability to control or minimize over-reactivity in the presence of real or perceived relational closeness or distancing.  (See other posts to describe differentiation more fully here and here).  It is not so much a difficult idea to grasp as much as it is a difficult idea to put into practice in life and relationships!

The big deal here is that if one is to be differentiated, they must be able to control their reactivity long enough to catch themselves from taking the bait of over-reacting.  Wow, I cannot tell you how difficult that is.  Invariably, in order to do so with any kind of success, you must have a very good understanding of your particular set of wounds, and a good deal of healing and grieving under your belt as well, because your partner is so adept at finding your buttons and pushing them quite vigorously!

So say something happens that makes you very angry.  My last post discussed how Anger = Ouch.  It’s pretty safe to say that when most folks feel angry or ouch, they have an almost reflex-like reaction to protect and/or counter-attack.  Makes sense, right?  Our dear old lizard brain survivalist mode kicks into effect and LOOK OUT!  Fight or flight is pretty automatic.  If we’re used to fighting about the same thing over and over for years, we may be able to control a raging outburst, but the temper and the pain and the resentment still stews inside.

What I am going to suggest today is going to give you and me a bit of permission to pause.  Yep.  I’m talking about stopping that whole fight or flight mess that gets us into SO much trouble, and giving ourselves some time to think and reflect before reacting.  Sound easy?  Perhaps not.  What would it be like for you to be able to stop just before an argument starts, and keep it from turning into a bloodbath?  Ooo.  That is worth the price of admission right there, isn’t it?

So here’s what it looks like.  Your partner says something that ticks you off.  Now, immediately there is a choice to make.  Do I go with the lizard and fight back?  Or perhaps run away and retreat?  Maybe you’re battle savvy with your particular lunkheaded partner, you’ve got some walls and some scars already from fighting them, and you simply give a laser-like glare and let some good-sized resentment build.  Stop.  Intervene with yourself and your thoughts right here.  There is a myth being believed right in this moment that is going to leave you completely unsatisfied with the outcome of this fight, whatever it is.  This is the myth of urgency.

It is actually not urgent that you defend yourself right that moment.  It is not crucial that you crush the other person right then, or run away immediately.  You can be just fine in that moment without doing either one.  Let that one soak in for a second.  I can be just fine in this moment without reacting immediately.  The ability to hold still in this moment will allow you to react with thoughtfulness, calmness, and after thinking first!

Can you see how much better your reaction will always be if you really think before reacting?  You can also take that time to take stock of and honor your own feelings.  Your response can be planned and on your own terms, instead of your partners terms and under the influence of your wounds.  You can actually take a moment in that time as well to consider the other persons true intentions (which, by the way, are almost never about wanting to hurt you), and also remember their wounds and care for their feelings.  Beautiful.

I cannot tell you how many millions of times I have fallen into the trap of the myth of urgency.  I would have to admit that I tend to be a bit on the stubborn side sometimes when needing to learn difficult lessons.  I have finally figured out, though, that I do not have to react in that very moment.  It does not mean I’ve given up my right to discuss it later or choose a course of action later.  It does mean I am claiming my right to get ahold of my reactivity before engaging with my partner, and this can only mean a cleaner and clearer picture of the situation and a less volatile encounter.

So I’m not suggesting that this is easy or that anyone can do it without practice.  I’m only saying that it is possible, and the skill is beyond worth learning.  Remember that freedom I was talking about?  It comes from humbly seeking to heal ourselves and get a handle on our reactivity.  I’m going to make a pretty bold statement here:  Differentiation is the cure for anxiety.  It allows us to relax from the pull of over-reactivity.

Pre-requisites for learning this skill are some teachability, some motivation, trust, and most of all…humility.  We can start from the beginning or wherever you are on your journey, just bring an open heart.  Come on in, let’s get to work.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2014, Nancy Eisenman

©2013, Nancy Eisenman