Before I begin my blog post, I want you to know I am okay, I have fantastic support, and I have been ready for this moment, and I am at peace so do not feel sorry for me because I truly am okay. Now, some of you may know, I recently lost my mom to cancer this year. Yes, this year; 6 days in. It was a crazy but calm, up and down, and long but short, ride. I bring this topic up because I want you to know; I know grief, and let’s be real: it sucks.
Now what I want to talk about is what does grief look like? It looks like someone quietly holding their loved one’s hand fighting back tears, it looks like someone bawling loudly regardless of where they are, it looks like someone snapping at a loved one, or snapping at anyone who asks a question. It looks like a group of people huddled around sharing about the good times the bad times and all the times in between. It looks like someone wanting a quiet moment only for themselves. It looks like a group of people in the same room not saying a word. It looks like tears, it looks like hugs, it looks like pushing people away, it looks like relief that this journey is over. Maybe it even looks like..joy? A smile pasted on so the world doesn’t see the hurt underneath. It looks like prayer, meditation, confusion, shock and awe all at once. Basically, all of this to say that whatever you feel in your moment of grief however long or brief it may be; it is normal. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each individual person will grieve in his or her own way. So, please understand that just because someone isn’t grieving like you, doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving. It simply means each of you are grieving in the way that is unique to you. There will be shock, there will be numbness, there will be things that need to get done that you don’t really want to do. So, take moments for you to grieve, what ever that means for you.
One way to help through grief is knowing and doing some self-care, but sometimes that can go out the window because let’s be real, life can be messy and dealing with loss of a loved one and other family members can be rough when everyone’s emotions are spiraling. One way to help is to c create space where you can allow yourself to have your feelings around grief because having them and not judging them (regardless of what they are, even if they seem weird and off the wall) is going to help tremendously. And it might seem counter-intuitive to some, but sometimes sharing what you are thinking, or feeling (depending on what it is) can be something everyone is thinking or feeling at some point in time. This helps because it lets us know we are not alone in grief and that others understand. And you don’t have to go through grief alone, find a friend, find a support group, find a counselor you can trust, who won’t judge you for feeling angry that your loved one left you, or angry at yourself because you missed an opportunity to be with your loved one.
Find someone to talk with, someone who can simply sit with you in silence (it’s a lot harder than people think, but sometimes that is what we need the most in our moments of grief-space together). What do I mean by space together, sitting with someone in silence, allowing them to share, if and when, they want to without offering advice, or platitudes that even we don’t really believe. Simply sit and listen, you would be amazed at what you can learn about others and ourselves. There are so many other ways of self-care, so even if what I have talked about isn’t what works for you, that’s okay. Do what works for you. One book I might suggest is Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss by Chuck DeKlyen and Pat Schwiebert if you want more resources (and yes it looks like a children’s book, but it is not).
Thank you for reading!