Effective Communication?

Feb 22, 2011 | Blog, codependency, cut-off, family systems theory, respect

Today I wanted to touch on a subject that comes up all the time when people call in for a therapy appointment: communication. More times than not, the people I talk to looking for help cite failure to communicate effectively as the major presenting problem in their relationships. Why is that, do you think? After all, these are intelligent folks who have good jobs where they communicate effectively all day, they communicated effectively enough to get into some sort of relationship, and most of them have been talking well enough for people to understand them for at least 25-30 years! What’s the deal?

I think the biggest problem with two well-meaning, smart, people trying to exchange information is their hearing. No, I’m not talking about being able to hear audible sounds per se, but the filters over our ears and eyes through which we translate the messages we are receiving. We all grow up with our own world views being shaped by the events of our lives and all of the things that happen to us growing up. We develop our own set of “truths” about what the world is like, and what the world isn’t like. Then we go out and find people to be in relationships with who will support and confirm our life-truths. Even the ugly ones that we don’t want to believe, and may even consciously think we DON’T believe, but really underneath we do. Things like “I’m not worth it”, “I’ll never be good enough”, or “I can’t trust anyone”.

Oddly enough, when we are grown, we feel awkward and uncomfortable when our self-truths are challenged, and we avoid those situations….even the good ones, and especially the good ones, that we say we want! Like someone who feels unworthy will feel uncomfortable around people who treat them as though they are! Let me give you some examples. Do you know anyone who feels completely uncomfortable receiving a heartfelt compliment? Underneath, they don’t feel worthy of praise and thanks. If I own a self-truth that says “I’m not worthy of a man who will love me for who I am, be faithful to me, and treat me with respect,” guess what? I’m going to marry a cheater who loves me for what I can give him, and who doesn’t respect me for it. That’s my normal, and that’s what love is. It’s my truth. We will choose to be in a relationship or marry someone not only capable, but who will for sure treat us the way our self-truth tells us we should be treated. In other words, if your spouse treats you badly in some way, look at your self-truths. Deep down, in your core, they will match. That’s why what they are saying or doing hurts you so much, they are re-injuring your deepest wounds, (and you are doing the same to them, by the way!). I’ve gotta tell you, too, they will absolutely keep doing so until you find a way to change the way you handle this situation, with good boundaries, true communication, and healing your own wounds!

See, being able to talk to each other so you can understand what each of you is trying to say is less of a problem than the way you hear each other through your own filters and issues. The discomfort of our partners continually affirming our deepest pains makes us unable to listen. Looking inward at the self-truths that lead you to pick someone who hurts you in just the right spots is the key to understanding, reducing reactivity, and really being able to hear what your partner is saying. Get to know yourself, so you can be heard. Then you can get to know your spouse by hearing what they are really saying instead of hearing your own issues talking.

Thanks for stopping by once again! Finals last semester and our office moving and school restarting after CHRISTmas has had me hoppin’, so I haven’t posted as much as I’d have liked. I’ll try to post a little more often!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

I Have You Under My Control

Oct 26, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, codependency, counterdependency, fear, inner voice, respect, Uncategorized

I had a client ask me one time, “Where does peace come from?” You see, I have a mug in my office that has a saying on it about peace, and I think it captures the feeling that most everyone that comes to therapy is looking for…it reads: “Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”

We’re not so naïve as to think that there won’t be trouble or hard work in our lives. We know there will be. We don’t expect to always feel amazing and filled with joy, for our marriages to always be perfect, or to never have problems. Yet when these things happen to us, why do we let our peace be stolen?

If we believe a myth that our peace comes from our circumstances, we are precariously perched for pain and disappointment indeed. We are susceptible to all kinds of misery and joy, that is the nature of the human condition, but we will not be truly peaceful while we are doing either one if we believe that our peace is dependent on what is happening to us. Even when good things are happening in our lives, if we believe our contentment comes from what is going on externally, it will still elude us because we will still be trying to control how long the good stuff lasts, the same as we try to control how long the bad stuff lasts. We try to manage others and our environment instead of ourselves.

When my client asked me where peace comes from, my answer had several facets. I believe peace comes from letting go of the myth that I have more control than I actually do. I think peace comes from relinquishing the expectation that others can make me feel… feel bad or good or angry or sad or jealous or anxious. They can hold up the mirror to attachments or beliefs that I have that aren’t serving me very well, but the truth is that no one can make me feel anything without my cooperation.

I believe that peace cannot live inside me if I am overly focused on things I cannot change or things that may or may not happen. I believe that the acquisition of peace is a by-product of letting go of unhealthy attachments and beliefs. It comes after walking the valley of the shadow of death through my own deepest darkest places to the beautiful light at the other end of the tunnel. As Robert Frost would say, it is the road less traveled, and it truly does make all the difference.

I think of peace as the hallmark, the prize that one receives in their feelings when they are emotionally fit. Like being physically fit, working through emotional issues requires showing up, working out, practice, study, dedication, repetition, focus, motivation, and stamina. By the way, it also takes a truck-load of courage.

This process isn’t for the feint at heart. Many people go to a great deal of time, effort, and expense to AVOID working through this stuff. (That’s what addictions are, for example.) My question to you is, how bad do you want it? Real peace…is it worth the work, the time, the effort, all of it? I’ve taken many people on the walk to peace…well, sometimes it’s more like an army crawl through the mud, but we make it. I continue to walk it out myself every day and will continue to grow in this way for the rest of my life. That’s why I named my practice Peace Counseling Group. Would you like to join me and the others who have gone before you? It’s up to you, the quality of your relationships and how you feel for the rest of your life depends on you.

I hope you will join me, and those who work with me, on this amazing journey. Whomever shows up hungry will leave full of new ways to think about relationships and life. I want the best for all of our clients, life-long changes, not just bandaids. My colleagues and I are ready to go when you are.

Sincerely,

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW

Owner, Peace Counseling Group

If you have any further questions regarding our paradigm or our policies, please feel free to contact us via the contact page or call 317-605-7015. You may also check the FAQ page on this website.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Defending Boundaries With Finesse

Oct 6, 2010 | Blog, boundaries, codependency, cut-off, fear, grace, respect, Uncategorized

Thanks for stopping by today! I apologize that I have not been blogging more often lately…grad school is proving demanding of my extra time. I appreciate you coming again to read my latest post.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about boundaries, and more to the point, how to have good ones without cutting off from others or being overly aggressive. It struck me the other day when I was talking with a friend, and she was describing the need to “fiercely defend her boundaries”. I wondered how massive the attack must have been to require such a fierce defense. Turns out, the thing that was threatening my friend’s boundaries would have been, for most people (metaphorically), a baby kitten! There was a bit of an overreaction going on, with my friend feeling like a T-Rex was threatening her gates.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for having good boundaries. They are absolutely necessary in a world full of sinners like us. I wonder though, if we can learn something about ourselves from our boundaries….the ones we find it necessary to have. For example, do you have a boundary with your spouse about leaving their clothes on the floor? What is it about that, that makes you so reactive?

Boundaries are for guarding places that are painful to us, even the simple ones like needing someone to pick up after themselves. So when someone causes you to be “fierce” (or even reactive) can you see the pain underneath that is causing your ferocity, and the need for that boundary? Heal the pain underneath and your walls won’t have to be nearly as strong, nor your reactions nearly as fierce. Your walls will be more permeable, and love and intimacy can flow through them more easily.

We can learn to have good boundaries without being fierce about it. Strong, but not aggressive. Immovable without reactivity. Stand up for how we feel without needing to squish the other person like a bug. It takes finesse. It can be learned in your head pretty quickly, but being able to put it into practice regularly takes time, practice, and healing… mastering it in your heart. It’s learning to see others not as T-rexes, but as hurting kids in adult bodies. I love this thing my co-worker Jerry says, “You can say almost anything to anyone, if you’re moving toward them when you say it”. That doesn’t mean you should lean in to someone’s grill while you’re telling them to back off, I’m not talking about physical proximity; but instead to see them lovingly, as a “+”, as though inviting them toward your acceptance…into your understanding of their needs and pains. Give them a safe place to exist while explaining what’s going on.

Aggressiveness, reactivity, and the need to be fierce are all things that push others away. It may seem like that’s the goal when someone is invading our boundaries. ”Get the heck away from me!” Right? Get the other person to back out of your space and never want to come in again, lest they meet your sturdy defenses! I think a better, (paradoxical) and more effective overall approach is to move toward them by keeping my own reactivity in check, and seeing them as someone who is hurting, too. A kitten, not a t-Rex.

Look deeper than your boundaries to the underlying pain. See others as little kids who are in just as much pain as you are. Nurture them instead of snapping at them. That’s what will eventually stop them from continuing to infringe on your boundaries more in the future. After all, meeting someone’s strong defenses most of the time just tells the other person that your boundaries call for heavier artillery. Less need for defenses invites peace and cooperation. Knowing yourself, where you end and everyone/everything else begins, is the key. Not easy, but you can do it!

See you again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

How To Get Respect

May 4, 2010 | Blog, respect

Did you catch it? If you did, I’m thoroughly impressed. If you’ve been keeping up with my blog and read the one I posted entitled “Drop Your Pen” not too long ago, you might be saying to yourself “what is she talking about, ‘how to’…I thought it was all about ‘when’?” You are correct, and I don’t mean to confuse you. The answers to questions that begin with “how to” are pretty much just tools and bandaids, and are generally not meant for deep, core, emotional surgeries. The answer to this “how to” is still about the when…let me explain.

I’ve recently been having a lively discussion with this guy I know about respect. Respect is a very deep need for all men, just read books like “His Needs Her Needs” by Willard Harley or “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. (They are both really good, for men and women). The need for respect is built into them, a thread of the fabric that weaves them into the men they are. But have you ever noticed that some men want it so badly, ask for it, or even demand it incessantly, but still never quite get it, at least not in the quantities and qualities they’d like? Why is that, you reckon? It seems as though asking that your needs be met is a healthy thing to do. And it is. So what’s going on here?

If you know a guy like this, my bet would be that this fella is doing at least one, but probably both, of these two things: a) not earning it with their actions, and b) asking for/demanding it/ and talking about it way too much. Both of these things totally kill genuine, heartfelt respect. I’ll give you an example of each:

Perhaps the respect-seeker is a hard worker, but he does not treat people very nicely. Maybe he knows his job well, but doesn’t give credit where it’s due. Maybe he says he loves women, but treats them as if they exist to serve him. Maybe he lies or cheats. Maybe he doesn’t truly listen much, or love much. Maybe he rarely, if ever, considers the needs of others. Whatever it is that’s going on, if he’s hard-core about wanting respect, the fact is he’s going to have to earn it. The first step for our boy is to adopt a posture of complete humility. I’m not talking about acting like he’s a piece of crap, I’m talking about letting his actions do the talking for him, and making sure his actions are honorable. One thing I know for certain, if you do not live your life (in actions, not words) in a way that folks can respect, or if you act in a way that hurts others or fundamentally goes against the grain of what they believe, they will not be able to give you genuine respect no matter what. They have to really feel it.
Then there is talking about it way too much. This is a lesser “offense”, but it will also effectively squelch those who might give respect. People do not like to be controlled, period. Who likes to be told what to do or how to do it repeatedly? Asking for respect excessively is pretty much guaranteeing you won’t get it. See why? People want to give of their own free will, because there is no joy in giving something that is demanded of you. It’s controlling and oppressive. If they are inspired, they will give it. If it is demanded of them, probably not so much, and even if they do relent and give some kudos, they will not be genuine. They will be resentful. That’s not the kind of respect you want either…because it’s not true respect. It’s “lip service.”

So, that’s the how to, or how not to get respect. Remember we talked about the “when”? This really is key, and this is where it goes deep. What really needs to happen for our man is that he needs to take a look inside himself and see what’s really going on that needs healing. We know that a need for respect is built into the tapestry that is “man.” It’s legitimate. Men have to feel respected. But if ole boy doesn’t feel respected by others, why is that? Is it everyone else who has the problem, really? What’s broken on the inside? Is he SO needy for respect that he has to demand it from others too much? Where does that come from? If he’s not living in ways that folks can respect, where are the problem areas? And then, after the work of naming it is done, then comes the when…the healing. When will you be ready to give up the behaviors that keep others from respecting you?

This takes some skill, to name what’s going on, and then help you be ready for the “when.” That’s what therapy is for. If you’re not getting the respect you want, look in the mirror there, Big Guy. See if you’re overly needy. See if you’re asking for something you’re not earning, and why. You cannot change others, you can only change you. I’d suspect that down deep you are really insecure in yourself, and don’t particularly respect yourself, either; that’s why you want it from others so badly. The best way to get what you want is to live it yourself, and give it away generously. In other words….Love. Respect others. Take a big dose of Humility. Live in a respectable way so that you can respect yourself. It works. Give it a try, give it some time, and then let the genuine respect roll over you like a warm ocean wave.

Thanks for reading. Stop by again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com