New Year’s Resolutions: Yay or Nay?

Jan 5, 2019 | Blog, goals, inner voice, Kristen, making changes, shame, Uncategorized

I was talking with some people the other day and all I could keep thinking about was transitions, especially as we all transition to this new year of 2019. What are transitions? When are we in transition periods? Well, one is the new year. We think about how our past year has been and what we hope for the new year as it begins. Basically, we transition any time there is a change (and this happens more often than once a year!). During the new year, we all start thinking about whether, or not, we will make a New Year’s Resolution. I am curious about why we do, or do not, make them. Regardless if you are one who does make New Year’s Resolutions or not, how do you feel about them? How do you feel about them now? How do you feel about them in the past? How will you feel about them in a month? Six months from now? At the end of the year?

Have you ever wondered if you are ready to make the changes on your New Year’s Resolution list? I ask because it doesn’t matter what time of year it is, when we are ready, we will just do it (such as starting to exercise, cleaning out our clutter, starting that new business, working on our relationships etc). Until we are ready, it isn’t going to happen because there are things we still need to work through and let go of thinking we can control them. For example, maybe we want to control our kids, our parents, our relationships, etc. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but there isn’t much we do have control of in this world. And when I try to control my actions, and it isn’t something I want to do; I am going to not do it, basically giving my middle finger to the world. And then what do we do? When we do not complete or finish our list, we can sometimes beat ourselves up about not completing our goals. BUT! Not to worry, you are among friends, less than 1% of people are still working on their New Year’s Resolutions in the first 2 weeks of February. Yes, you heard me correctly, less than 1%. Why? The answer is simple, because people don’t want to, which is totally fine! We do what we want, not necessarily what we need to do. Oftentimes I think about trying to hold onto something because it gives me the illusion of control over something that I don’t really have control of. Okay, so what can I control then? Myself. Sometimes.

Okay, well, now I possibly know I am not ready for the things on my New Year’s Resolution list, now what? Well, now we can talk about what are the things that are bothering you, poking you, peeving you off (perhaps this blog?). What is holding you back from doing what you truly want to do and not beating yourself up about it? We can do that alone, but sometimes it is easier looking at those things with someone who isn’t also going to beat us up about not finishing every, last thing on our New Year’s Resolution list. So, I’ll ask again, how do you feel about New Year’s Resolutions?

Thank you for reading and I truly do hope this is a wonderful, peaceful year for you!

The Importance of Self Care

Dec 1, 2013 | addictions, Blog, boundaries, codependency, counterdependency, goals, making changes, self-care, Uncategorized

This is a topic that I’ve written on before, but I think it is a good idea to revisit it from time to time. I know that I, for one, need reminders in this area. Today we are going to discuss self care.
It’s a pretty easy trap to fall into, particularly in today’s culture of Go, Go, GO!!! Many people get sucked into the “Captivity of Activity”, as Beth Moore said in one of her Bible studies. I knew that entering graduate school would mean that I was about to spend a few years being really busy. (That is a bit of an understatement.) It is impossible to balance your life when you are getting a masters with the requirements that mine demands, and I will admit that I don’t always do a good job with self care. I don’t think that I am the only one, though. I think that the expectations of society today pressure us to continually achieve and over-function. ”Activity” can even become an addiction pretty easily.

So today I wanted to discuss some ideas about self care and its importance. Those of us of the more codependent persuasion tend to take care of everyone BUT ourselves. This can lead to unwanted conditions such as burnout and resentment. Those who are more counter-dependent tend to be grandiose about self-care, and either indulge in it too much, letting others over-function for us, or neglect it completely because of our want to be seen as invincible.

Being chronically “stressed out” has an actual physiological effect on your brain structure. For one of my classes, we are reading a book called “Brain rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home and School” by J. Medina (2008). I actually would recommend this book to anyone, because it not only is really informative, it is an easy read. It’s not full of huge words that you’ll have to look up in the dictionary just to follow along (like I do when I’m reading complex research articles…ya.). It explains how our brains work and why, and it’s really interesting. Medina said that “Under chronic stress, adrenaline creates scars in your blood vessels that can cause heart attack or stroke, and cortisol damages the cells of the hippocampus, crippling your ability to learn and remember” (p. 194). So this self care issue is really important.
The first consideration for self care is to not over-extend ourselves. How do we do that? By saying “No”. Repeat after me…”No.” Sometimes that can be a really difficult thing to do, right? Codependents know exactly what I’m talking about. This is about having good boundaries, and a strong knowledge of our limitations. Brene Brown, who is known for her research on shame, authenticity, and vulnerability, shared a really good tip for helping yourself say “no” more easily. She said that what she does is spins a ring on her finger three times before answering a question about whether or not she can do something. ”Can you bring brownies for the bake sale?” Spin, spin, spin…”No”. She gives herself time to think BEFORE she answers, and gives herself permission to say “no” if it will cause her to become burned out, resentful, or otherwise over-extended. We need to have good boundaries and know our limitations. (To be introduced to Brene Brown, click here.)

The second consideration for self care is a self-awareness of what refreshes us. Extroverts, for example, need to be around people to rejuvenate themselves. Introverts need to be alone. Activities that refresh the soul are various and different for different people. Perhaps it’s reading a good book in your favorite chair. Maybe it’s taking a bubble bath in candlelight. Perhaps it’s going to the gym or other exercise. How about a massage or manicure? Google “self care” and get ideas. Try them out. Find what works for you.

I’m off to get in some self care. It’s even more important when you’re really busy, so I will practice what I preach. Happy relaxation!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Step Three, Check!

Sep 9, 2013 | anxiety, Blog, dreams, faith-based living, goals, Uncategorized

It’s time for another update on my road to becoming an MSW, LSW, LCSW….

I have now just begun my final year of graduate school. I have finished 36 hours (of 60) and I’m currently engaged in completing 13 more. In the spring of 2014 I will have 11 left, and then…GRADUATION. I have 245 days left to the big day, to be exact. (Yes, I have a countdown app on my phone.) Right now I am taking 3 classes and 20 hours per week of practicum. Whew! If you’re thinking that this sounds like a lot, you would be correct. I have cut down my administrative work to approximately 1 day per week, and the rest of the time you can find me creating lots of new neuropathways in the classroom, reading books and articles, and learning at my practicum site.

I was thinking of writing about balance, and how important that is in life. The truth is, when you are a single mom and graduate student and office manager and friend and family member and….all the other hats I’m wearing right now…balance is a very elusive thing. I think it is pretty much impossible to really be balanced when that much is going on. So I’m trying to remember to take care of my golf balls. Yes, I said golf balls. You’re intrigued now, aren’t you?

Golf balls are quite important, you see. I think about this demonstration I saw once where the speaker held up an empty quart jar. He filled the jar with golf balls. Then he asked if the jar was full. Yes, the audience agreed that it was indeed full of golf balls. Then he poured into the jar a couple of handfuls of pebbles. Now is the jar full, he asked? Yes, the audience agreed that it was full. Next he dumped in some sand. He shook and tapped the jar on the table until the spaces between the pebbles had filled with sand. Now, he said, surely the jar is full. Yes, the audience laughed, now it is full. Then he poured in two cups of coffee. They fit into the remaining space with ease.

The moral of this story? The contents of the jar are analogous to our lives. The golf balls are the big things in life. The most important things like family and friends. We can have a full life with only these things. The pebbles are things that are less important, but still take up time. The sand is all the little things, like errands and such. The speaker encouraged us to make sure we knew which things in our lives were most important, and to make sure to put those into our lives first. If you were to add the sand and pebbles first, the golf balls would not fit. When asked about the coffee, he stated that even if you’re busy with all of these things in your life, you still have time to have a cup of coffee with a friend once in awhile. Great analogy, don’t you think?

So I want to take this opportunity to say Thank You to my golf balls….the people in my life who are most important to me. You have encouraged me, helped me, held me up when I was too tired to go on, cheered for me, and supported me like crazy in this difficult journey. To my sons Evan and Jake. You cheer me on and keep me grounded with driveway basketball, movie nights, and all our other QT, and can’t wait for me to graduate 19th grade and become a “feelings doctor”. To my FOO (that’s Family Of Origin)…Dad and Mom, Dan, Jane, Lar, Sal, Gail, and Anne and your families. You pray for and encourage me and help me to remember why I’m on this crazy journey! After all…you guys started it! : ) To the best friends and mat carriers a girl could ever ask for…Kathy and Nicole. You pick me up off the turf, keep me in line, and nurture me when I need it. To Phil, Kim, Eddie, the extended care ladies, and everyone at my church. How can I ever thank and repay you for your kindnesses to me? You are the hands and feet of Christ. And of course to the Family Tree staff who has taught me so much…Mark, Jerry, Andy, Jenn, Christy, Angie, Javan, Steve, Karen, and Jeff…and my Thursday night groupies. You have helped me heal, and shown me how to help others heal. Thank you all for your support and helping me make it this far. I could not have done it without you guys. We’re almost there!!!

Thank you most of all to my Heavenly Father. He takes my breath away and absolutely spoils me. My gratitude for His grace overflows.

Now, one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time…however far I have to break it down to make it to the next. The next time I check in, it will be to tell you I have graduated! Keep stopping back in the mean time, I will post more stuff that I’m learning whenever I can. Thanks to you, too, for reading my work. I really appreciate it.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Differentiation 205

Sep 13, 2012 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, cut-off, family systems theory, fear, goals, Uncategorized

Welcome to The Waiting Room today! It is a BEAUTIFUL fall morning, and I have just made myself a cup of Wild Mountain Blueberry coffee. Yummy! Curl up on your favorite comfy chair and join me for a short siesta. Once again, today we are working on differentiation.

So I have posted before about this crazy differentiation word. I will likely post about it again in the future as well. You see, this notion of differentiation really IS “where it’s at.” If you can work toward incorporating this concept, this way of thinking and relating, into your life…you will absolutely have not only greater peace inside your mind, but ALL of your interpersonal relationships will not be able to be anything but more healthy, balanced, fulfilling, safe, calm, close, loving….these wonderful words and many more.

To recap then, what is differentiation? The simplest description of it I can come up with is this: “knowing who you really are, and having the ability to control your anxiety, (remaining non-reactive), to real or perceived fluctuations between emotional and relational closeness and distancing of others.” OK, one more time in English… “to not freak out when you think someone is cutting off or pulling away from you, or trying to get too close or intimate.” For example, you all know “commitment-phobes”…they have anxiety over someone getting too close. What about the person who chases after the commitment-phobe? They have fears about being alone. How about a little less obvious…What about a husband that avoids/hates deep, connected, or intimate conversations? What about a wife who is lonely? This is all anxiety about closeness and distance. We ALL have this going on inside of us to some extent.

I am here to tell you…controlling this anxiety inside is SOOO not an easy thing to pull off! Not even kidding. Sakes! It first takes an awareness of what it is and when you’re doing it, no small feat, and then you have to be able to act counter-intuitively to how you have always acted while protecting yourself from emotional wounding. It is un-learning your learned defensiveness and facing your worst fears head-on. You literally have to overcome the natural protective instincts of the most powerful part of your brain, sometimes referred to as your “Lizard Brain” or “Reptilian Brain”, which I have blogged about before. Beware The Timeless Lizard

Let’s work a little deeper on this today, and move toward a better understanding of what differentiation looks like. I attended a training given by our resident expert on differentiation, Jerry Wise. He gave us a sheet that describes the 5 characteristics of self-differentiation that I wanted to share with you. Here they are:

“A Sense of My Own Limits, And The Limits of Others. A clear understanding of where I end and someone else begins; respect for the right of others to be the way they are, but refusing to allow others to intrude upon one’s own rights; defined from within, rather than adapting to please others.
Clarity About What I Believe. What would I die for, and what’s not worth it? Of what am I certain, and of what am I not so certain?
Courage To Take Stands. Defining where I stand and what I believe, in the face of disapproval; refusing to give in to another when it is a matter of principle; capacity to stand firm in the face of strong reactions. (ex. “You can’t think, act, feel that way and be a part of this family!”)
The Ability To Stay On Course. Resolve to follow through toward a vision in spite of sabotage; emotional and spiritual stamina to stick with a lofty goal and not let others’ reactions change your course.
Staying Connected In Spite Of It All. Maintaining a relatively non-reactive give-and-take with those who are reacting to you, (easier said than done!); resisting the impulse to attack or cut-off from those who are most reactive to you.

The first three have to do with self-definition. The last two have to do with self-regulation. BOTH are necessary for a healthy relationship. Definition of Self is a life-long process, in which we can only take small steps at any one time. The essential capacity one must develop is that of self-regulation (taking responsibility for the management of one’s own anxiety and reactivity.)” (Leave me a message if you want to know the source of this, and I will see if Jerry has it.)

Nowadays, most of the time I can call myself out when I am under the influence of my issues/wounds by admitting, “That was clearly not my most differentiated moment.” Yep! It takes a long time to get the hang of it, and then ya still slip sometimes. While I have been working on this change in me for about 6 years now, and have a lot of really good successes, I still have my moments. Oh boy, do I have my moments.

“So, then,” you ask, “why bother? This sounds like a slow, arduous process.” Yes it is, but the more I study and learn, the more I know that self-differentiation is the completely worthy goal and it is so incredibly powerful when it comes to inner and relational peace. It’s lifelong, and difficult, and it’s not about “how-to lists”; but rather about hearing and learning from experiences and insights, followed by a readiness to grow and change. Even small changes can make a huge difference in relationships and in your mind. Changing your life’s focus and paradigm to a goal of continued differentiation will alter, for the better, both how you feel inside and how you interact and love everyone.

Thanks for reading, and have a differentiated day!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Death By Comparison

Sep 3, 2012 | Blog, faith-based living, goals, making changes, Uncategorized

I’ve been thinking lately about things that are capable of stealing and killing joy in our lives. Everyone wants more joy in their life, right? I know I do. Life is pretty darn hard, and joy breathes a welcome respite into the difficult journey. I wanted to talk today about one persistent, internal, covert, and completely changeable behavior that can rob you of all kinds of joy. Comparison.

I was thinking about something as simple as one’s salary, for example. Perhaps someone has an income that is sufficient for their basic life necessities, they can make ends meet, and they have “enough.” They feel rather content, feeling blessed that they have a place to sleep, clothes to wear, and food to eat. Then what happens? They find out that Joe who works down the hall doing the exact same job makes $2000 more/yr. All of a sudden, they’re no longer happy with their job or salary, and anger and resentment builds. Immediately gone is the joy, the outlook of blessing, the gratitude of having enough. All of a sudden, what they make is $2000/yr not enough. Likewise, someone who makes $200,000/yr can feel they are having a hard time financially, while someone who makes $20,000/yr feels blessed because they have enough to eat and a place to sleep. Comparison to the norms of the world, and what you think you should have, can steal your joy in a heartbeat.

What about relationships? The same thing is true when people look at the lives of others and say “I wish I had…” or “at least you have…” What happens when we compare what others have to what we have? Usually one of two things: 1) our joy is gone because we don’t have as much as someone else, and we pine for more; or 2) we become judgmental or condescending, finding ourselves “better than” because we have more. Both are joy destroyers.

There are more options than just 1) and 2) however. For example 3) we can look at someone else who has more, and be joyful with them in their blessings, 4) not worry about comparing, and still feel thankful for what we have, 5) see that someone else has less than we do and share, etc. If we chose these options, how might our joy increase?

The adverb that comes to mind is “exponentially.” What joy there is in gratitude! A heart filled with gratitude has no room for anger and depression. Endlessly comparing what we have to what others have is a recipe for despair and a life driven by hunger and greed and feelings of wanting.

You’ve heard the sayings: “the grass is greener,” and ”keeping up with the Joneses,” for example. You never really know what is going on in the lives of others, the hardships and obstacles and pains they face. When it comes down to it, they are on a different path, a journey to grow them in the places they need growing. It is not your journey. Learn what you can exactly where you are. The Bible goes so far as to encourage us to “Consider it pure joy…when you have troubles of many kinds.” (James 1:2) Say what? Yep. Embrace the truth. You are not a victim. Your troubles are there to teach you. Your circumstances are a classroom to learn, and you can change how you feel without changing any circumstance. Accept the challenge with joy!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Step Two, Check!

Jun 15, 2011 | Blog, goals, Uncategorized

Anyone who regularly reads my blog knows that I am a Masters student at Indiana University. I thought I would take a moment today to update you on my path to becoming an MSW!

This year has been such a busy one for me, with many irons in the fire at once. Besides being a part-time student, I am parenting two boys, I am a full-time assistant, and I am also now a part-time intern. Since I am now insured, supervised, and a master’s student, I have begun seeing clients as of November, and I facilitate one of our support groups. It has been quite the challenge to maintain some sort of balance! The past year has included many late nights staying up writing papers and such…and I thought I was too old for “all-nighters”. Well…turns out I am, but I do it anyway on occasion out of sheer necessity!

I have learned so much in the past year. I am SO thankful for excellent teachers and mentors: at school, at work, in books, at seminars and trainings, and all around me every day. My son made me chuckle the other day. I told him that he needed to help me remember to stop for an errand when I picked them up from the babysitter, and he said “Mom, how come I need to help you remember stuff?” I told him that I was learning so much that my brain was full and it couldn’t hold anymore, so some stuff leaks out. I explained to him the “Garbage In, Garbage Out” idea, and we joked about how sometimes Mom has too much garbage in her head. He seemed satisfied with that explanation!

This conversation reminded me that we all need help from others. By sharing each others’ burdens, everyone’s individual load becomes a little lighter. Even something as simple as helping me remember to pick up some milk and bread on the way home is a help. He reminded me to be thankful for others, and that I don’t have to do it all alone.

So as of this coming weekend, I will have one whole year, 6 classes, complete. Thanks go out to everyone who has helped me along the way…with everything from child care to being a subject of a research observation here and there! I could not do everything I’m doing right now alone, and I appreciate so much everyone’s support.

I’ll check back in with you all next year or so on this subject, and let you know how it’s going. In the mean time, stop back and take a peek, I’ll be blogging about all that stuff I’m learning that’s making me unable to remember to get groceries. Thanks for stopping by!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com